Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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