If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
