I think my fart just growled at me.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
there is glitter all over my balls
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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