I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I will be naked everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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