the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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