Don't make out with my wife yet
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
