What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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