it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
