Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Terrible idea I love it
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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