good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
