dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
