the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
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im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
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You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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