i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
