saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
