??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
