MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
