Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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