I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
