just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
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you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
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I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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