Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
