I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
