fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
