i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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