i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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