I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
All I want is dick and wine.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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