Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
