could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
