Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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