If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
