ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He better not be in your backpack
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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