the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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