remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
accomplished twins. life is a go
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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