I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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