I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
