where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
