the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
