rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
And then my night got REAL pukey
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
