I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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