Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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