you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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