Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
