so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
