Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Holy sore nipples Batman
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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