If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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