I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize
