had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We got so high we made milksteak
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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