Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
