This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
