i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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