I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
