why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
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the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
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"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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