Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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