Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
