Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
