I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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