"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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