Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
