A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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