after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
