Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
